My brother, Brendan and his family gave me a journal for my graduation gift. It's slightly pink, smooth paper, covered in pink cloth embellished with embroidered and sequin flowers. I looked at it and knew it should be something special. I've decided it will be my journal of Hope. There are times in our lives when we go through dark times, darker than we've ever been through. It is those time when hope is needed most. I thought of Joseph, saving Egypt by storing up the plenty. This journal will be a storehouse of hope to carry me through those dark times, and inspire me to keep believing. Here is the first entry.

This is my hope journal. In it I will write things of faith, hope, trust and promise. These last few days have found me in the depths of despair and I have had a taste of where I will be if I continue on in that direction. Psalm 34:8 says, "Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" I am pushing away from that other table; the one of doubt and self pity. The food there is death to my soul. I am going to the table of my Beloved instead. A place has been set for me all the while and I have not seen it because my eyes were cast down in despair.

"He brought me to the banqueting house, and His banner over me was love." (Song 2:4)

"My beloved spoke and said unto me; 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come.'" (Song 2:10-12)

I am sitting on a bench outside while Sarah is inside Miss Claudia's house for her weekly piano lesson. The fragrance of blooming flowers is soothing and peaceful. The rhythmic singing of the birds is a balm to my soul. At this moment my spirit is at rest and knows that Jehovah will provide for us, even as he clothes the lilies of the field. At this moment I know I am under His watchful and caring eye even as are the birds that rejoice melodiously in the canopy of trees above me.

In the times when doubt or despair knock on the window of my well being, I must not rise from this table or even glance in their direction. I will wait on the Lord. If He seems absent, I will wait and will not rise and stir. Surely, He is preparing another benefit for me. I must not forget the ones He has served me before.

"My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God." (Ps 62:5-7)

It is my hope, that even as Joseph put aside Egypt's plenty for times of famine, that the plenty I have of joy, peace, trust and faith, can be stored in these pages to encourage and lift me up when I am down. Bi-polar disorder is by definition, a disorder of extremes and excesses. Excess joy, hope, and energy followed by extreme states of gloom, weariness, and despair. I will take the plenty of the former and store it here for times of the latter. Without a doubt, after a time, I will be able to draw hope from my spirit no matter what state I am in.