Letter To My Daughter

I have told you that I love you and I am proud of you, but lately it seems to be after some heated words when I know you need the affirmation. I despise the feeling that you are on your way to work or a friend's house, and are hurt or sad  because I was too harsh or my tone didn't match the feelings I had in my heart at the time.

But I am proud of you and love you. I wonder if you know just how much. On the day you were born, I realized a love I had never felt before, and a responsibility that took my breath away. I knew the minute I first held you that my life would be defined from that moment on by the way I treated, nurtured, and loved you. An overwhelming desire to protect and provide for you was the mantle that was placed over my life at that moment. I was mom and you were daughter.

How I treasure moments watching you sleep, feeding you, and showing you off when we went out. How I loved dressing you up and holding you close, watching you learn. As you grew, I reveled in your joy at the discovery of the world around you and I caught that sense of wonder like a virus.

These days I treasure these memories. Newborn, helpless, milk-sweet smell. Toddler, jumpy, smiling, spinning, laughing. Teen, moody, friends, sleepovers, makeovers, games and dances. I look at you now, woman, working, learning and breaking free. I simultaneously treasure the little girl you were in your footie pajamas with baby-shampoo-clean hair and your crooked smile and grieve her loss at the same time.

This emotion is new for me and my heart is at war with itself. I want to say, "Stop, stay here, don't leave," and also, "Go, I trust you, trust yourself." And I do trust you. I trust the woman you are and the choices you've made and I give you the permission to keep being yourself because I love who you are, not just what you do.

I would say, "Go, make me proud." But you already have. As you continue this journey, know that you have my unconditional love and my heart is always open. I am always your home if you need it.