The Other Side of Me

There are two of me. One enjoys sitting in front of the keyboard measuring every word while smooth jazz plays in the background. This side of me is quiet and pensive, calm and deliberate. The other one of me is spastic and, for the most part, uncontrolled. When around people, this me can't shut up and it seems that the words that swirl in my brain form a funnel and spill out in endless chatter, accompanied with laughing. Sometimes there is a two way conversation involved, but at times I have looked up to find that I am the only one left in the room. No matter.

How many sides are there to any of us? The business and professional side uses a certain kind of speech and body language, making eye contact, head cocked to one side, and arms at the sides to indicate openness. The threatened side brings the arms up and crosses them over the chest, legs apart, head up, lips tight, and eyes narrowed. The fun and engaged side leans forward, puts the head down, displays a toothy smile and maybe touches an arm or the edge of the knee or leg to indicate understanding or complicity.

As of late, I have been working on self awareness, trying to pay attention to body language, speech, tone and inflection, but I often fail. I find myself immersed in situations or conversations and get swept away like a raft without an oar. It's a daily struggle. But the person I like the most is the one I am when alone. Quiet, pensive, calm and balanced. This is the other side of me, the one that most people usually don't get to see, unless they know me well, very well.

Maybe the impulsive side of me is a wall, a protection, a bulwark. Laughter and speech are the arm stretched out to block that personal space. "Tread lightly here," I say, although the words may be many and their message not clear. I confess  a lot, but not what I mind you knowing. What I don't say is what you need to listen to.

We should all listen to what others don't say. It usually screams if we watch that unspoken language, which, unless you're an expert, you cannot hide. Those  micro expressions: gestures of the hand, the way the torso is puffed up or shoulders are pulled in, even the dilation or constriction of the pupils register certain emotions, lies or truth telling.

Introspection is hard, and takes a lot of practice. Practice, practice, practice. That being said, I have to remember not to take myself to seriously all the time either. People may not realize it, because on the exterior, I'm laughing and joking, but on the inside I analyze what I say and the interactions I have continuously. That's a spillover of OCD and anxiety, I'm sure.  There I go analyzing again. In all things, balance. It's not about performing. It's about learning who you are and learning to be comfortable in your own skin. Learning to switch from the professional self, to the family self, to the personal self and remain true to all of them.